Fun-Da-Mental Illness

The Book of Mormon concludes the story of Shiz’s death at the hands of Coriantumr with the words: “And it came to pass that after he [Coriantumr] had smitten off the head of Shiz, that Shiz raised up on his hands and fell; and after that he had struggled for breath, he died.”

Of course, we would have never known the story of the Shiz, leader of the Jaredites, struggling for breath despite being headless, were it not for the Angel Moroni, the guardian of the Golden Plates. Moroni appeared before Joseph Smith in the woods outside Manchester, New York in 1823, and presented Smith with the plates.  The whole history of the Lost Tribe of Israel wandering around pre-Colombian North America was all written on those plates in hieroglyphics that Smith was able to decipher with the use of magic glasses.  And thus the Mormon religion was born.

I bring this up only because of a little fracas  brewing between fundamentalist Christians and shitbird Glenn Beck over Beck’s conversion to Mormonism. Well, maybe it’s not really brewing, but the lib website Think Progress is sure trying to instigate something by resurrecting a story that appeared on a Christian website earlier this year, a story that quoted Bill Keller ” leader of the world’s largest interactive Christian website for 11 years”, saying that Beck’s religion was pure batshit.

“The ‘god’ of the Mormon cult used to be a human who rose to god-like status, just like Beck and all Mormons believe they will too after their death. The ‘jesus’ of the Mormon cult is the natural offspring of their ‘god’ Elohim who had sex with Mary, meaning their jesus is a created being and NOT a deity as the Bible teaches, and is the brother of Lucifer.”

I never know whether to stifle a yawn or a chuckle, or both, when I read stuff like that but I see the point that Think Progress is trying to make: Beck’s running around saying Obama’s religion is fake Christianity while a bunch of born-agains are running around saying Beck’s religion is fake Christianity. I see the irony. But, to me, this is like saying “Hey, Beck! That drooling lunatic Keller says that you’re crazy!”

Shiz? Moroni? Urim? Elohim?  Thummin? All sounds insane to me. Magic glasses, golden plates? Whatever.

I’m not here to defend Mormonism, but don’t the real  the Christians have their share of odd balls running around in the real scriptures, too? How about those ol’  ox-faced cherubs, four-winged angels with the face of a cow that guarded the tree of knowledge in the Garden of Eden? Nothing unusual about that. Or multi-headed hydra rising from the sea on judgement day? It’s all there in the Book of Revelation. To say nothing of talking snakes, women turning into mineral compounds,  dead men rising from the grave, virgin birth, and all that good stuff we associate with true  Christianity, which, as you know, is far superior to those far east crap religions that worship elephants and cows, and where they have to pray 7 times a day, you know, those guys who want to kill us because they hate our freedom?

To which I politely  say: Please fucking stop. Seriously. Stop  the voodoo nonsense. It’s not helping anyone and it’s driving people apart. Whether or not a Mosque is built a few  blocks from “ground zero” is, to me, an issue about as meaningful  as  whether or not to put ketchup on a hotdog. And here’s something else that apparently nobody has the guts to say.: it’s all insane. That men die in the name of imaginary men like Moroni or Abraham is incredible to me. I declare a jihad against this insanity.

12 thoughts on “Fun-Da-Mental Illness”

  1. Thank you, Stacy! I couldn’t have said it any better. Where do ANY of them get off saying that their brand of myth is any better than the dude next door? Really, how is one correct and the other not?

    Howard Stern once commented about Africans praying to a large rock. He said how is that any different than praying to an invisible deity? Really it isn’t. It’s all the same crap.

    But they will EACH kill each other in the name of it. Muslims and Christians alike. Isn’t that what our soldiers believe they are doing over there today? Ask any of them! Tragically, it’s not only the uneducated enlisted who believe they are fighting New Crusades! Geesus H, I know a Major in the Army who INSISTS it.

    Really, WTF?

  2. I know the president is a Christian, which I know kinda stands in the way of him being totally progressive on issues like gay marriage, but I feel an absolute sense of comfort in the fact that the Prez has not even been to church since becoming president. To me, this is something I can get behind since all Christianity and religion is “fake” anyway.

    How the hell do people turn to a book written by men and full of contradiction after contradiction for help in decisions of policy or forming our country’s policies? Why is consulting the spaghetti monster in the sky the one thing that keeps people from doing the right thing?

    So Glenn and his leading the flock back to God is touching…especially since he only decided to find God after failing at keeping sober.

  3. In the big picture…does it really matter what faith Beck follows…or Obama..or anyone else? Regligion is all Rove has left to stir up. Most Americans are now pro-choice and don’t care who marries whom. If Murdoch, the Koch brothers and Beck could only get 87,000 to Washington DC for their “mega-event”, that’s pretty sad and pathethic. Most of the fools who voted for Bush are now lamenting their tremendous loss of wealth and the dicey market and economy. Pray on that, chumps.

  4. When a kook is calling another person a whack job.. let’s get right to the point… they are both freaking kook/whack jobs!

  5. Joe V: I’d like to think that 87,000 to hear a fuckwit talk host is “pathetic”, and obviously on a level that goes beyond the numbers, it is. But whether 87K or 300K, let’s face reality: Beck was the biggest story of the week. That’s pathetic.

  6. By the way, the 80,000 Teatard March was only part of the story. There was also some town hall with kids (for spaghetti monster’s sake) where Glenn Beck is teaching his and David Barton’s version of history. Barton’s the guy that says there is no such thing as separation of church and state in the constitution. Anyway, Glenn shows the kids his hand to demonstrate why we leave ammendments in the constitution even after they’ve been overturned by another ammentment. He had some scar on his hand, but you’d never know it looking at the alabaster female softness of Mr. Beck’s beautiful woman hand.

  7. To quote the late great Frank Zappa;

    “The only difference between a cult and a religion is the amount of real estate they own”.

  8. One denomination calling out another as not really Christian or as a cult is pathetic in its own right. I know almost zero about Mormonism, other than my son’s AAU basketball team had a Mormon kid on it, and he couldn’t play any Sunday games because the family was at church until about 4:00 PM and it was designated as their “family day”. And honestly, most Mormons I’ve met and known are actually pretty quiet about their faith, and very nice people who all have jobs and lots of kids. Who am I to judge?

  9. Sammy; actually pretty quiet? my neighborhood must have been designated “The village to convert” between ladies in long dowdy frocks pounding on my door each Saturday trying to shove shit through the crack in my screen door and the nice young boys all dressed up in their white shirts and black ties peddeling the hood on their sleek bikes accosting you about joining the greatest cult in the world, the only satisfaction comes when i tell them ” I’m an Athiest”

  10. I just want to see some of that magic underwear in person. There is something just a wee bit exoctic about those things.