The Book of Mormon concludes the story of Shiz’s death at the hands of Coriantumr with the words: “And it came to pass that after he [Coriantumr] had smitten off the head of Shiz, that Shiz raised up on his hands and fell; and after that he had struggled for breath, he died.”
Of course, we would have never known the story of the Shiz, leader of the Jaredites, struggling for breath despite being headless, were it not for the Angel Moroni, the guardian of the Golden Plates. Moroni appeared before Joseph Smith in the woods outside Manchester, New York in 1823, and presented Smith with the plates. The whole history of the Lost Tribe of Israel wandering around pre-Colombian North America was all written on those plates in hieroglyphics that Smith was able to decipher with the use of magic glasses. And thus the Mormon religion was born.
I bring this up only because of a little fracas brewing between fundamentalist Christians and shitbird Glenn Beck over Beck’s conversion to Mormonism. Well, maybe it’s not really brewing, but the lib website Think Progress is sure trying to instigate something by resurrecting a story that appeared on a Christian website earlier this year, a story that quoted Bill Keller ” leader of the world’s largest interactive Christian website for 11 years”, saying that Beck’s religion was pure batshit.
“The ‘god’ of the Mormon cult used to be a human who rose to god-like status, just like Beck and all Mormons believe they will too after their death. The ‘jesus’ of the Mormon cult is the natural offspring of their ‘god’ Elohim who had sex with Mary, meaning their jesus is a created being and NOT a deity as the Bible teaches, and is the brother of Lucifer.”
I never know whether to stifle a yawn or a chuckle, or both, when I read stuff like that but I see the point that Think Progress is trying to make: Beck’s running around saying Obama’s religion is fake Christianity while a bunch of born-agains are running around saying Beck’s religion is fake Christianity. I see the irony. But, to me, this is like saying “Hey, Beck! That drooling lunatic Keller says that you’re crazy!”
Shiz? Moroni? Urim? Elohim? Thummin? All sounds insane to me. Magic glasses, golden plates? Whatever.
I’m not here to defend Mormonism, but don’t the real the Christians have their share of odd balls running around in the real scriptures, too? How about those ol’ ox-faced cherubs, four-winged angels with the face of a cow that guarded the tree of knowledge in the Garden of Eden? Nothing unusual about that. Or multi-headed hydra rising from the sea on judgement day? It’s all there in the Book of Revelation. To say nothing of talking snakes, women turning into mineral compounds, dead men rising from the grave, virgin birth, and all that good stuff we associate with true Christianity, which, as you know, is far superior to those far east crap religions that worship elephants and cows, and where they have to pray 7 times a day, you know, those guys who want to kill us because they hate our freedom?
To which I politely say: Please fucking stop. Seriously. Stop the voodoo nonsense. It’s not helping anyone and it’s driving people apart. Whether or not a Mosque is built a few blocks from “ground zero” is, to me, an issue about as meaningful as whether or not to put ketchup on a hotdog. And here’s something else that apparently nobody has the guts to say.: it’s all insane. That men die in the name of imaginary men like Moroni or Abraham is incredible to me. I declare a jihad against this insanity.